| Our four-part series on C2 Connective | | | | feel about Casey not talking to you? |
| Communication(TM) continues this month with our | | | | These questions stimulate discussion in areas by |
| emphasis on tools for healthy communication, which | | | | asking a broad question and allowing our child to give |
| we define as: The sharing of information through | | | | a specific response. They allow us to uncover |
| interactions for the purpose of understanding one | | | | deep-seated concerns that our loved one may find |
| another. | | | | easier to keep buried. Easier does not equate with |
| In our February issue, we introduced NSFM Family | | | | healthier! Sometimes we might learn more than we |
| Meetings(TM) to encourage kids and parents to meet | | | | wish to hear, but to be a conscious parent is to |
| on an equal platform to discuss their feelings and | | | | choose to open the doors to good communication |
| share ideas about what they would like to see | | | | because it supports the future and establishes a |
| different in the future. The March issue brought the | | | | life-long connection that empowers each person in |
| CODE(TM), a dynamic tool to empower kids and | | | | the family. |
| parents to decipher the true meaning behind | | | | We want to create a safe place for our children to |
| reactions of anger, blame or sadness. | | | | express their fears, limitations, sadness, etc with the |
| This month we focus on using Empowering | | | | intention of bringing to light the type of feelings that |
| Questions(TM) to help us stay up-to-date with our | | | | are behind future eating disorders, low self-esteem, |
| family members and maintain open doors of | | | | alcohol and drug abuse, depression, etc. Go after |
| communication. Empowering Questions(TM) reconnect | | | | feelings with gentle questions. How does our |
| us as we tune in to where each of us is | | | | daughter feel about her looks? How does Johnny feel |
| today-emotionally, physically and spiritually-as well as | | | | about himself in school? Downloading Days opens the |
| where we want to head tomorrow. They anchor us | | | | door and Illuminating Questions lead us right through |
| in love and create a safe environment for future | | | | into the sanctuary that is our children's inner thoughts |
| discussions. When we can actively listen to and | | | | and feelings. |
| empathize with our children about everyday topics, | | | | Illuminating Questions are what we use when our |
| they will be more comfortable confiding in us on | | | | daughter looks in the mirror and says, "Mom, do I |
| "bigger" issues. | | | | look fat?" Regardless of how we think she looks, the |
| There are two aspects of Empowering | | | | goal is to discover and discuss the fears and |
| Questions(TM): Downloading Days and Illuminating | | | | insecurities that lie beneath her question. We want to |
| Questions. The rapport we develop in Downloading | | | | keep the flow of conversation open for discussion |
| Days allows us to ask Illuminating Questions and gain | | | | rather than changing the subject or denying the |
| an understanding of the hidden truths that may be | | | | concern with a response like, "Of course not. Don't |
| negatively affecting our loved ones. | | | | be silly." |
| Downloading Days | | | | The goal is to help bring the feelings out into the |
| Downloading establishes the habit of sharing and | | | | open as we encourage self-discovery through |
| listening to what's going on in each other's lives. | | | | communication. When we can openly discuss things |
| Without formally setting aside time to share, we | | | | with our children we can better gauge the level of |
| often forget to tell our family about significant | | | | concern that the discussion warrants, This keeps us |
| events in our life (not to mention countless smaller | | | | from overreacting to something that our child |
| ones). | | | | considers minute or from passing over something |
| Downloading Days starts from the time a child can | | | | that is of significant concern. |
| communicate and kicks in anytime they are away | | | | How Did You Feel About School Today? |
| from you. Maybe it is after a day at school, or just a | | | | One day my daughter came home from school and |
| few hours spent at grandma's house. It might be an | | | | we started our normal downloading of the day by |
| overnight at a new friend's house. We never know | | | | asking "How was school?" She started at the |
| which experiences are the "good" ones and which | | | | beginning and as she moved to her music class, she |
| might be "bad" ones, so we learn to open the door | | | | informed me that she wanted to quit playing the |
| to all of them, trusting that then we will have the | | | | flute. I remained calm and reminded her that she |
| tools we need to support our kids if something | | | | needed to try to turn the situation around for two |
| traumatic occurs. Downloading Days sets the course | | | | weeks prior to being able to quit. I started asking |
| for our children to make sense out of their | | | | Illuminating Questions. |
| experiences as they learn to internally process and | | | | "How do you feel about playing the flute?" |
| discover who they are in relation to the world. | | | | "Terrible. I hate it." |
| This is an important habit to establish early on, which | | | | "You liked it last week, what happened." |
| means as soon as your child can communicate or as | | | | "Well, I don't know how to read music and all the |
| soon as you get home today. Practice with your | | | | other kids do. The teacher won't show me." |
| child, spouse, significant other, or whoever lives with | | | | "So, maybe if you understand how to read music |
| you. Downloading Days empowers us in the role of | | | | that might be a good first step." |
| Downloader as we share our experiences and | | | | "Okay, but how?" |
| feelings, as well as in the role of Active Listener as | | | | We looked online and learned together the basics of |
| we pay attention and open our hearts to what | | | | reading notes. She picked up on it quickly-faster than |
| others experience. | | | | I did! The next day she came home from school and |
| Try This: Ask your family to agree to try | | | | said, "Listen to this." She played a couple of simple |
| Downloading Days for 2 weeks and set up the | | | | songs from her music book and radiated from the |
| criteria. When anyone comes into the house the TV | | | | inside-out. None of us want to fail, so teach your kids |
| gets turned off, the homework paused, the wash | | | | to take the extra steps until they succeed. |
| postponed, the newspaper put down until you catch | | | | Empowering kids is about helping them build their |
| up on the time spent apart. Dedicate 10 minutes per | | | | self-esteem from the inside-out, based on their own |
| person per day. Take turns Downloading and | | | | process of sorting through internal experiences and |
| becoming Active Listeners for each person in the | | | | perceptions. When a child seems to be struggling, or |
| family, including the other kids or siblings. Make it fun | | | | out of balance, we encourage them to state their |
| and make it happen, don't take no for an answer! | | | | observations about the situation without blame, |
| You might begin each session by asking who wants | | | | express how the situation makes them feel, decide |
| to download first. Usually one person will volunteer. If | | | | what they need to feel better about the situation, |
| not, ask someone specifically. Start at the beginning | | | | and help them take action by asking for what they |
| of the time spent apart and use it to jog the | | | | need. We encourage them to expand their sense of |
| memories. | | | | self in the world. |
| "Jamie, how about telling us how your day went. I | | | | How Do You Feel About Yourself On A Scale of |
| dropped you off at school, and then what..." | | | | 1-10? Your Mind? Your Body? Your Spirit? |
| "First I had reading, and that was fine..." | | | | I wanted to address the extra weight my daughter |
| Use the schedule of classes, time or events as a | | | | had gained in the past year. I knew it bothered her |
| means of tracking the day and finding the emotions | | | | but the last thing I wanted to do was make her feel |
| "Then I went to music and that was fun. I really like | | | | judged or more self-conscious. Three months ago we |
| playing the trumpet." | | | | started doing the Daily Downloading so I started |
| "Then my next class was gym. Oh, this new kid | | | | asking her some Illuminating Questions this time. |
| wasn't very nice to me." | | | | "Karen, on a scale of 1-10, 10 being great, how good |
| Bring up any problems or issues that might need | | | | do you feel about school?" She answered as I |
| support or input | | | | expected. |
| "I don't really know what to do about this kid." | | | | "Mom, school is going great. I like my classes and am |
| "Why don't you tell us what he did and maybe we | | | | doing well." |
| can help." | | | | With that, I could move into the next phase, |
| After one person finishes downloading, the next | | | | "Great. On a scale of 1-10 how do you feel about |
| person goes until everyone's had their turn, including | | | | yourself?" I saw tears come to her eyes, but I just |
| parents! Encourage the kids to ask you questions and | | | | waited. |
| help address your concerns. | | | | "I feel pretty lousy, I guess." |
| Once in a while, when someone has finished their turn | | | | "Why, Karen?" |
| as Downloader, they suddenly remember something | | | | "Why? Isn't it obvious? None of my clothes fit. I'm |
| while another person is Downloading their Day. Ask | | | | the biggest girl in my class and I feel fat, that's why!" |
| permission from the Downloader when an Active | | | | "So, you feel lousy because your clothes don't fit and |
| Listener wants to interrupt with something relevant | | | | you feel fat?" |
| or an urgent, unrelated comment. You may decide to | | | | "Yes." |
| make a rule that the Active Listener should ask the | | | | "You sound really sad about this." |
| Downloader for a "P.S.," giving him or her the right to | | | | "I am. I'm miserable." |
| interrupt for something important. Then the | | | | "What do you need to happen today to feel better?" |
| Downloader has the right to agree or not. | | | | "Today? Well, I don't know. Do you think I look fat?" |
| While each person is Downloading their Days, the | | | | "Karen, I think you are beautiful. But this isn't about |
| others are Active Listeners. Teaching our kids how to | | | | me. This is about you. What do you need to happen |
| be active listeners helps them be successful in every | | | | today to feel better?" |
| future relationship, personal or business. As an Active | | | | Mom, would you start walking with me after school?" |
| Listener, pay full attention to what is being said and | | | | It was only a baby step but I could feel the tension |
| listen for the feelings behind the words. | | | | leave as we started walking and talking, opening the |
| "That sounds like it was frustrating for you." | | | | door to her fears. |
| Restate your understanding of what the Downloader | | | | Helping our kids means letting them discover |
| is saying. Reflecting back gives others an opportunity | | | | themselves through their own process of sorting |
| to see themselves in a different light and to discover | | | | through feelings and facts to make sense of the |
| their own areas for self-growth and discovery. | | | | world as they see it. Using Illuminating Questions helps |
| "It sounds like you want some help with how to deal | | | | evaluate feelings without guessing or putting words in |
| with Pete?" | | | | someone else's mouth. When we provide a safe |
| Ask short questions for clarification | | | | environment for expression, the issues that affect |
| "So Carla picked you up after school, and then | | | | our loved ones come up when they are ready to |
| what?" "What happened then?" "How did that make | | | | deal with them, rather than when we think they |
| you feel?" | | | | should, whether that person is an adult or a child. |
| Withhold your judgments and opinions. | | | | One night I was at a party, happily chatting |
| "Yes, I understand." "How did that make you feel?" | | | | empowered-kid philosophy with a psychologist I'd just |
| If you encounter resistance at the beginning, realize | | | | met. As we talked about the importance of |
| that this is natural if you have not previously | | | | expressing ourselves and having our needs met, we |
| developed this kind of rapport with your children. Ask | | | | both focused on Caleb. Caleb was a gentle, sweet, |
| that they at least tell you with some detail what | | | | 20 year old we both knew standing several feet |
| they did throughout the day. You might be surprised | | | | away from us. He had a beautiful, exotic, sculpted |
| by the end of the two weeks to hear some of their | | | | face offset by hot-pink chunks of hair standing |
| thoughts and feelings about life come out along the | | | | straight up, decorated with tattoos scattered over |
| way. Appreciate it and realize this is why we | | | | his body, each appendage pierced and linked together |
| Download Days. | | | | with a chain, all dramatically set off by his black |
| Downloading Days opens the door to communication. | | | | wardrobe. We figured that Caleb dressed in this |
| The goal is to keep those doors open through the | | | | manner in order to declare his independence and |
| good and tough times of life. | | | | express himself. |
| Example: "Dad, Jimmy told me I was stupid." | | | | I said, "Let's go ask Caleb if we are on track." So we |
| "Do you think you're stupid?" | | | | asked him how he felt about himself while growing |
| "No." | | | | up. Imagine our surprise when he said, "If I had been |
| "So, if you aren't stupid, why would someone say | | | | able to create my own reality and identity along the |
| that to you?" | | | | way, I wouldn't have the need to do this now." He |
| "I got a better grade on my test and I think he felt | | | | went on to explain how locked-in he felt as a child, |
| bad." | | | | and now Caleb could only "feel" by the pain of a |
| "So, what did Jimmy really do to you?" | | | | piercing or the thought of some other extreme |
| "Well, I guess he called me what he must have been | | | | behavior. He never learned to connect with who he |
| feeling about himself at the time." | | | | was internally. When we asked Caleb an Illuminating |
| "Is Jimmy your friend?" | | | | Question, we invited him to take a new perspective |
| "Sometimes he is." | | | | on his life. Not only did we have a better |
| "How do you feel about Jimmy now?" | | | | understanding of why Caleb made the choices he did, |
| "I feel sorry for him." | | | | but so did Caleb. |
| "And what do you want to do about it?" | | | | When we are concerned about something in our |
| "I know! Tomorrow I will tell him to stop calling me | | | | children's lives, whether it's their behavior in the |
| names because I want to be his friend." | | | | family, performance at school, or unhealthy eating |
| Illuminating Questions | | | | habits, Empowering Questions offers a framework |
| Sometimes issues come up in Downloading that aren't | | | | within which to address those concerns without |
| ready to be discussed in a group or are too sensitive | | | | criticism. It works with anyone, anywhere. The |
| for the Downloader to openly discuss. These are | | | | results are dynamic and meaningful because they are |
| times when we may need to gently reach for | | | | experiential insights from the person we love. |
| deeper, underlying issues. Illuminating Questions allow | | | | As conscious parents we can recognize how easy it |
| us to do that in a safe, non-threatening manner. | | | | is to get stuck in our own ruts of |
| A deep level of trust is required for children to | | | | non-communication, reaction, depression, anger or |
| disclose the meaningful answers that make | | | | sadness. Use Empowering Questions to create the |
| Illuminating Questions so effective. That trust is | | | | habit of good communication within your family and |
| established in Downloading Days-the mundane and | | | | create the parent-child rapport that's necessary for |
| repetitive daily communication that triggers us to | | | | Illuminating Questions to be effective when the need |
| discuss how we feel about what happened | | | | arises. By truly connecting with those we love, we |
| throughout our day. Ask general questions that open | | | | can help each other move through our negative |
| the door just enough for you to get your foot in. | | | | feelings to a more balanced place. What a wonderful |
| How do you feel about how you look today? How | | | | gift for the family! |
| would you feel if you flunked your test? How do you | | | | |